Because Sometimes the Sun Never Rises

Author | Brandon Lao

Because sometimes all the earth is in league against mankind, heaven and hell
Colluding,
Gossiping, laughing, whispering in our ears—
Playing the great game with our innocent everyday lives.

How? What? Did you know, then
How the conspiracy against the human race told me
Of entropy, of black holes and endless cosmos, did it all low-key like “We do! Fuck you!”—
And then laughed and laughed and danced off into all that because, of course, it was
A merry night out
Because, just
Because.

So that’s how I came to be here, lying in bed, door locked against
The perfect everyday people outside, shades down
Because the sun is much too bright.
Barricaded in, impassable, all unreadable and mysterious
Eyeing my razor without picking it up because, let’s be frank, I want
To keep you waiting, keep you
Hanging—
And make it so you can never already know how this ends.

Trust me when I say
I know
Sometimes the sun always rises
Sometimes I smile, because I am walking amongst
City lights
And invincible summers
Because come heat death or oblivion all I can do is dance until the end
But sometimes my strings are cut and I fall into a limp heap, silently screaming
I can’t move, I can’t dance, please
Help,
Because I remember now.
(I never really liked dancing, much, anyways.)

And summer suns are blinding, numbing—
(It helps conceal the secret base up there)
Thawing me out, springwater dripping
From frozen limbs that don’t feel like moving, that wish
They remained frozen
So someday maybe someone will take me home, wrap me in a blanket, hot chocolate and the works
Because even though they can’t speak, they can
Scream
Better than anything else:
“Look.”
“Look at me.”

Except here I am now, and I am sitting up, 
Now—
Dripping wet
Standing up
Eyes, voice, and mouth all blank, unreadable, quite fine
Because, after all, the world still turns, the sun still shines through cloudless skies to sing
Welcome to summer days.
And I don’t know if I’m feeling quite right for thinking this,
But sometimes I do and sometimes
My thoughts never quite end, so:
I’m once again drowning in grey matter and white noise, except
I’m holding out? I think?
Teeth clenched in something about a smile
Because maybe, just maybe, tomorrow
The sun just won’t rise in the morning
For real
And then everything will be okay
Because then everything will be okay


About the Author | Brandon Lao is a book and anime addict studying at the University of Texas at Austin. He plans to major in Plan II, English, and a 'practical' major that he hasn't decided on yet but that's okay because he's not invested in it anyways. He spends his spare time by playing Avalon, obsessively re-watching Studio Ghibli movies, and building blanket forts to hide in.